To tell you the truth, I am walking through a path that doesn't feel exciting, and while I know this is temporary, I have begun to question the direction that I am heading to, towards that mirage.
This might very well be the effect of festive season where the bereft presence of not being surrounded by caring parental hands often amplifies to the extent of haunting me with effervescent dream of being pampered by my grandma. Not saying I want to go back, for I have got nowhere to be back. Lucky are those who have got a place called home.
I try undermining bereaved feelings like these usually by focusing on something seemingly important. For now, that has been GRE. I have spent my Dashain learning new vocabulary words, and while most of my friends are busy posting pictures of all kinds everywhere, I am yet struggling with another new word, and ditto with Mathematics. Now there is something apathetic about Mathematics and GRE questions, they are no way empathetic, and no matter how much I spend my time with them, they will always stand stranger. But, I suppose, I'm quite used to it, be it Mathematics or anything or anyone else.
I am, however, no way frustrated or discouraged. I will definitely do what I got to do, for this is something I have committed myself into and there's no way I am getting distracted.
What disturbs me is the unfair rule of nature. This discrimination often validates in the form of undeserving people getting things that I have often rightfully desired to have, take my atrophy cursed upper-limb for example, there's nothing I can do to rectify for the negligence of my biological parents, but even without my fault I would have to carry it for my lifetime while also ensuring that I stand strong in my goal. I will. But I would have appreciated more if the universe had cared to confer me with what I deserved more, rather than imposing its burden on me. Wouldn't it be more meaningful and relevant for someone who believes in the theory of choice to really have a choice in his life? For now, the way I have been tricking myself to conform to this life, it all seems antithetical.
But care less, I am pretty strong, and I have raised myself with great care and motivation - I've been a good father for myself, encouraging myself, admiring for all my successes, mollifying my bereaved soul at times of loneliness and failures, and at times turning stringent to my tangential tendencies. This dual role of imparting and receiving uni-linear stream of care and support makes me tired sometimes, and that pretentious image on the mirror feels idiotic. No matter how contriving I've been in my effort to hide the truth, I have always missed mother, and I have always believed that I deserved to have her to feel proud of me, to be my side to be my strength when I sometime shed tears out of helplessness, and to celebrate my perfect GPA scores. Had she been here, she would perhaps glorified me, exaggerate my diligence, like every other mother would do, and be wary of my time tables, especially, about how careless I have been about eating. Every time I sip in a glass of milk, I wonder, would it taste different to have been served by mom, the way they show in Bollywood movies?.
Now if you are thinking to send me all those text heavy greetings of encouragement and motivation, I don't need that. How do you think I have carried myself all these years? I am motivated enough, or else, how do you think have I come this afar, and why do you think my plans are for. Except for the one thing that I have always wanted from anyone, to be the one to listen and understand. Rather, I often end up doing that instead with everyone I try getting close to. Be alarmed, I am not complaining, not saying that I am the most unfortunate or the most indigent one. I am very aware of how lucky I have been in the way I have been conferred with this opportunity to study and live in a costly city like Kathmandu. I am cognizant of the fact that people are dying for trivial reasons, for not having food to eat, for not having clothes to wear and I am extremely fortunate. But sometime, being a human, I suppose, I too would love to express and expect nothing in return.
Will keep posted.
This might very well be the effect of festive season where the bereft presence of not being surrounded by caring parental hands often amplifies to the extent of haunting me with effervescent dream of being pampered by my grandma. Not saying I want to go back, for I have got nowhere to be back. Lucky are those who have got a place called home.
I try undermining bereaved feelings like these usually by focusing on something seemingly important. For now, that has been GRE. I have spent my Dashain learning new vocabulary words, and while most of my friends are busy posting pictures of all kinds everywhere, I am yet struggling with another new word, and ditto with Mathematics. Now there is something apathetic about Mathematics and GRE questions, they are no way empathetic, and no matter how much I spend my time with them, they will always stand stranger. But, I suppose, I'm quite used to it, be it Mathematics or anything or anyone else.
I am, however, no way frustrated or discouraged. I will definitely do what I got to do, for this is something I have committed myself into and there's no way I am getting distracted.
What disturbs me is the unfair rule of nature. This discrimination often validates in the form of undeserving people getting things that I have often rightfully desired to have, take my atrophy cursed upper-limb for example, there's nothing I can do to rectify for the negligence of my biological parents, but even without my fault I would have to carry it for my lifetime while also ensuring that I stand strong in my goal. I will. But I would have appreciated more if the universe had cared to confer me with what I deserved more, rather than imposing its burden on me. Wouldn't it be more meaningful and relevant for someone who believes in the theory of choice to really have a choice in his life? For now, the way I have been tricking myself to conform to this life, it all seems antithetical.
But care less, I am pretty strong, and I have raised myself with great care and motivation - I've been a good father for myself, encouraging myself, admiring for all my successes, mollifying my bereaved soul at times of loneliness and failures, and at times turning stringent to my tangential tendencies. This dual role of imparting and receiving uni-linear stream of care and support makes me tired sometimes, and that pretentious image on the mirror feels idiotic. No matter how contriving I've been in my effort to hide the truth, I have always missed mother, and I have always believed that I deserved to have her to feel proud of me, to be my side to be my strength when I sometime shed tears out of helplessness, and to celebrate my perfect GPA scores. Had she been here, she would perhaps glorified me, exaggerate my diligence, like every other mother would do, and be wary of my time tables, especially, about how careless I have been about eating. Every time I sip in a glass of milk, I wonder, would it taste different to have been served by mom, the way they show in Bollywood movies?.
Now if you are thinking to send me all those text heavy greetings of encouragement and motivation, I don't need that. How do you think I have carried myself all these years? I am motivated enough, or else, how do you think have I come this afar, and why do you think my plans are for. Except for the one thing that I have always wanted from anyone, to be the one to listen and understand. Rather, I often end up doing that instead with everyone I try getting close to. Be alarmed, I am not complaining, not saying that I am the most unfortunate or the most indigent one. I am very aware of how lucky I have been in the way I have been conferred with this opportunity to study and live in a costly city like Kathmandu. I am cognizant of the fact that people are dying for trivial reasons, for not having food to eat, for not having clothes to wear and I am extremely fortunate. But sometime, being a human, I suppose, I too would love to express and expect nothing in return.
Will keep posted.
