‘Tihar’ is one of the greatest festival in Nepal and is more precious to brothers and sisters who display a everlasting bond of love and affection; which I’m sure no any festival in any other parts of world displays.
It’s always wonderful to have a sister. I was lucky enough to have a biological sister and yet so unlucky that she could never be my sister.
Many people think that I’m a single son to my parents; which is not true, I have a younger biological sister too. But the distance between us is so far and so diverted that we do not feel like we are siblings. In fact, we rarely face each other and seldom exchange words. Our worlds are different; thoughts are not matching and no any feelings of love for each other. The family circumstances to which I was born was completely different from a normal environment. When I had realized the consciousness, I was already away from my biological mother and sister. There might have been reasons to it; for why the fate had to be like that, but the fact is I was away from them for more than twelve years since I was three years old. That obviously left me with no any feelings for them, no any soul connection; and I don’t have any complains. But, unconsciously I was always alone during childhood; that kept changing me to be more unsocial, alone, unfriendly and emotional. There was a railing in the barandah at my home, where I often used to sit silently; sometime waiting for my grandma to return from market, at times waiting for my dad to return from India with dream gifts and often waiting for someone who could sit beside me. I never told my likes and dislikes to anyone. Yes, my grandma was closest to me, she gave me all the love that a mother could have possibly given to her child, she was my everything. There were my uncles who always loved me, made me who I am today, my two brothers who were my senior friends and there were no any shortcomings in my childhood days. But, what I’m writing about today is not love, is not the affection, or not the relation. I’m just writing about how emotionally I was changing, how distant I was in reality and in the inner-self. There were people loving me, caring for me and no any problems whatsoever, but still, there were things that I always kept locked in me and never could share. In fact, I realize, I was missing my sister during those days. My father’s sister, who I call a sister, is the most loving sister, I agree. She has given me all the love and care, but even then, I could never share her my feelings. Never could I be frank to her, though I tried many times.
With this emptiness I could hardly make any friends in schools. That doesn’t mean I didn’t have any friend. I had a very few special friends. Four friends in my entire schooling, two friends in my entire college studies. But, I could hardly share the locked feelings with them.
I was excellent in studies, everyone loved me but still I was so empty inside. Shallow. There were quite few problems in my school years but that was not the actual reason for this emptiness.
I always missed my sister. A sister for me is someone who would be able to understand me; the real me. Whom I would love so unconditionally, who would be with me not just to hear my words but to feel the pain or happiness in my words. In my journey of life, I just wanted a sister to sit beside my seat to make me feel I am not alone. I never wanted a friend, but a sister, true sister, to which people often mistaken me to have been deprived of friends.
It took me a long time to realize that relations don’t come with births; but are connected through souls; until I found my soul sister. This is the most precious achievement in my life after leaving that job in Standard Chartered Bank and joining United Nations, I found my soul sister.
But it was not easy. People often misunderstand me to be love deprived; they often feel like my nature is the cause of the problems I had in my childhood, or for they experience I don’t relate to the practicalities of my life. None of these were true, I could never make them understand that the things I have been missing is not something that could be sorted out logically, it’s about the inside, the feelings, the heart, the soul.
United Nations; Nitu di; people often misunderstand she is my soul sister. She is more than a sister to me. Yes, I call her a sister but she is more like a mother to me. She is someone who I wish to have as a mother if I’m born again. At times I feel she talks to me like a mother would talk to her child. She has that understanding ability. She is close to my heart, but still I could not share her my locked feelings. I tried to; and at times, I was misunderstood or even ignored, but as I said, she always wants me to improve, be good and be more practical, like any parents would suggest. Yes, she definitely loves me, but again, it’s not what my inner-self was missing. After the demise of my grandma, she is one person whose love has rescued me. I can’t love many people even if they are my own relatives. But, I love only special ones. If I love someone, I just love them unconditionally. She is one of those special persons who I love unconditionally. She is more than a soul sister to me. Future mother, I love to write.
A Cancerian, poetic, creative and with ‘chucchi´ look, I found my soul sister. “Jo” she prefers to write, is someone who I instantly fell in love with her true nature. She is inspiring, strong, independent and so much like my grand ma. 2009; when I had first Bhai-Tika from her, I was having tears on my eyes, which I tried hiding with full efforts. There was some soul connection that started vibrating my heart, making me alive. She was having strong will power to study further, to be on her own, to take care of her parents, her sister, she is a super girl. She had no wonder suffered many problems like everyone but there was something different in her that made her stand out from rest; positive thoughts to move forward.
Now she was there with whom I could share what I feel. I was surprised to find myself so happy when she was happy. When she was sad, I too was sad. I could feel her pain; which I hardly feel for any other person. People often tag me as a selfish, a person with no feelings and specially my relatives know me more as a stone hearted. My closeness with Jo di was not the outcome of Nitu di’s departure to US, which some people claimed. It’s not the vacuum that makes me close to anyone. And, if I’m not close to anyone, I cannot be close to them by trying. Jo di and I, now we realize, we are soul relatives, true brother and sister. I still remember her happiness when she had won the GVN competition, her excitement; first Bhai-Tika from her hands; her strong faith in God that every problem would be solved, her prayers. I still remember the first time I saw her crying, I cried hard too when I was alone back my home. The excitement how she would react to the first glimpse of sea in Digha, how she would react to Indian trains, her days in Vietnam, Italy…everything’s so special. And, this hasn’t come through birth, neither as a result of a vacuum, it’s just a soul relation, unconditional love, I love to write.
Her inspiration is still keeping me moving.
Last Tihar was so much fun. And, this Tihar, I’m missing her so much. The same way I was missing my sister when I was child, I am finding very little happiness this Tihar. But again, she is far for a good cause, and she is yet so close to the heart. She is my real soul sister.
Tihar strikes again...,’m missing my ‘Jo’di..my true soul sister.
Indian tour… train is passing through stations to stations….Delhi to Jaipur…. Howrah to Digha…. I’m alone in the window seat…. Showing off like I’m composing some piece of writing…yet so lone inside…. Seat beside me is empty…. I’m praying within, soul sister, please be here, don’t be so distant…let me not be this alone…I just want to share you how happy I’m feeling looking outside at those scenes.. read my poem that I’ve just composed, it’s no more a pessimistic piece of writing, I’ve painted lines of hopes and magic…..still feel like I’m sitting in the railing in that barandah where I’m missing u...just be here beside me….. never a complain, was just a thought to bring a new start in me….something I’m missing since years…..
(a note from my diary page ‘Indian Journey of three groups and me’)
