Rant

To tell you the truth, I am walking through a path that doesn't feel exciting, and while I know this is temporary, I have begun to question the direction that I am heading to, towards that mirage.

This might very well be the effect of festive season where the bereft presence of not being surrounded by caring parental hands often amplifies to the extent of haunting me with effervescent dream of being pampered by my grandma. Not saying I want to go back, for I have got nowhere to be back. Lucky are those who have got a place called home.

I try undermining bereaved feelings like these usually by focusing on something seemingly important. For now, that has been GRE. I have spent my Dashain learning new vocabulary words, and while most of my friends are busy posting pictures of all kinds everywhere, I am yet struggling with another new word, and ditto with Mathematics. Now there is something apathetic about Mathematics and GRE questions, they are no way empathetic, and no matter how much I spend my time with them, they will always stand stranger. But, I suppose, I'm quite used to it, be it Mathematics or anything or anyone else.

I am, however, no way frustrated or discouraged. I will definitely do what I got to do, for this is something I have committed myself into and there's no way I am getting distracted.

What disturbs me is the unfair rule of nature. This discrimination often validates in the form of undeserving people getting things that I have often rightfully desired to have, take my atrophy cursed upper-limb for example, there's nothing I can do to rectify for the negligence of my biological parents, but even without my fault I would have to carry it for my lifetime while also ensuring that I stand strong in my goal. I will. But I would have appreciated more if the universe had cared to confer me with what I deserved more, rather than imposing its burden on me. Wouldn't it be more meaningful and relevant for someone who believes in the theory of choice to really have a choice in his life? For now, the way I have been tricking myself to conform to this life, it all seems antithetical.

But care less, I am pretty strong, and I have raised myself with great care and motivation - I've been a good father for myself, encouraging myself, admiring for all my successes, mollifying my bereaved soul at times of loneliness and failures, and at times turning stringent to my tangential tendencies. This dual role of imparting and receiving uni-linear stream of care and support makes me tired sometimes, and that pretentious image on the mirror feels idiotic. No matter how contriving I've been in my effort to hide the truth, I have always missed mother, and I have always believed that I deserved to have her to feel proud of me, to be my side to be my strength when I sometime shed tears out of helplessness, and to celebrate my perfect GPA scores. Had she been here, she would perhaps glorified me, exaggerate my diligence, like every other mother would do, and be wary of my time tables, especially, about how careless I have been about eating. Every time I sip in a glass of milk, I wonder, would it taste different to have been served by mom, the way they show in Bollywood movies?.

Now if you are thinking to send me all those text heavy greetings of encouragement and motivation, I don't need that. How do you think I have carried myself all these years? I am motivated enough, or else, how do you think have I come this afar, and why do you think my plans are for.  Except for the one thing that I have always wanted from anyone, to be the one to listen and understand. Rather, I often end up doing that instead with everyone I try getting close to. Be alarmed, I am not complaining, not saying that I am the most unfortunate or the most indigent one. I am very aware of how lucky I have been in the way I have been conferred with this opportunity to study and live in a costly city like Kathmandu. I am cognizant of the fact that people are dying for trivial reasons, for not having food to eat, for not having clothes to wear and I am extremely fortunate. But sometime, being a human, I suppose, I too would love to express and expect nothing in return.

Will keep posted.

Midnight Rumination

We might have lived here for millions of years, walked, ran or jumped in jest, been kings, slaves, crooks or sage, or the lion, bird or a snail, perished or preyed. Yet, all we have now is a remnant, this mere life, and a dream that appears big enough to chase. Enter another, this too might all be a void.

As I disappear every night into the abstract darkness, with futile attempt to understand the answer to the unanswerable, it seems to me that I must have been born a million times - with this consciousness in different identities. Why is it that I'm here again rambling in the incessant orbit of life? Much as absurd it might seem, a distant nonchalant version of me out there in the universe might just be laughing at me for my trivial ambitions.

Yet, do I have a choice?

Daily Notes: 25 Nov 2014

25th of November, Tuesday

I did nothing extraordinary today, except that I cleaned up my room. The chicken-gravy that I had set out to cook didn't turn up as good as expected. I guess it’s true that the best recipe doesn't guarantee the best taste.

I played the same movie thrice only to realize that I felt asleep while the actors were busy playing their part, well, I heard their voice in my dream – I don’t dream less adventurous, except for, my dreams always end abruptly without a conclusion – a reflection of my conscious part.

Well, the day’s still to end, and we are expecting a friend for a dinner tonight.

Take care World.

मेरो कथा |

मेरो कथा |


मेरो कथा त म आँखा चिम्म गरेपछिको संसारमा सुरु हुन्छ | सपनी को संसारमा |


सपनीको त्यो तोरीबारी जहाँ पहेंलो गैलंचा माथि र निलो आकाश मुनि म एउटा चिटिक्कको घर बनाउने कोशिस गर्दै छु |


म वरीपरि हेर्छु, 'आहा! कस्तो राम्रो दृश्य | ' बाटो पारिबाट एउटा छाँया उदाउँदै म भएतिर नै लम्कदै छ | जति जति त्यो छाँया म नजिक आउँदै छ, उति उति म भित्र नयाँ उत्साह, उमङ्ग अनि अनौठो खुशीको चलखेल सुरु हुँदैछ | उनको मुहारको त्यो दिव्य हाँसो, अनि जीवनलाई नै रनभुल्लमा पार्न सक्ने उसको त्यो खै कस्तो जादु, त्यो भरोशा अनि त्यो अनुपम स्वन्दर्यता, जुन स्वन्दर्यताको म शब्दमा वर्णन नै गर्न सक्दिन, त्यहि आकृति जसको मिठो बोलिले मेरो सपनी मा आएर सायद मलाई जीवन दर्शनको पाठ नित्य सिकाउँछ, अनि भन्छ, "खुशी हुन सिक " | चलचित्रमा देखाएझैं म आफ्नो हात फिजाऊँछु, सायद उसलाई अंगाल्न, अनि भन्न "म खुशी छु, धेरै खुशी " |  सायद उनि पनि दगुरेझैं लाग्छ, उनको गतिशील प्रतिविम्वले नयाँ संसार बुनेर म तर्फ हेरें झैं, म उनलाई एकटक हेरिरहन्छु |  उनि सुन्दर छिन् कि यो तोरीबारी, अहँ, म भन्न सक्दिन |  यो  सपना हो कि विपना ,म यो नि भन्न सक्दिन | के यो सम्भव छ र ? 

एक्कासी उनको पाइला रोकिन्छ | लाग्छ उनि चलायमान रहेको त्यो नदी एकाएक जमेको छ | उनको परेली मात्र पनि चलेको देख्दिन म |  


मुर्ति झैं उभिएको उनको प्रतिविम्व हाँसो बिना चुपचाप छ, अनि कति भिन्न भाव मुहारमा, सायद यो उनको मनको अवाज होला, "सपनीमा धेरै न मात्तेउ, आफुलाई सम्हाल्न सिक, धेरै न उड, आखिर जमिन मा टेक्नै पर्छ | " अनि मेरो मनले सुटुक्क जवाफ दिन्छ, "केहि बेर त हो नि सपनी मै उड्ने, अनि सपनी मै नयाँ सपना देख्ने, सायद जमिनले हार मानि हाल्ला कि  "| त्यसपछि, उनको मनको आवाज़ खै किन म सुन्न सक्दिन, अनि मेरो मन आफैं सँग बोल्न थाल्छ, "विस्तारै विस्तारै म ब्युँझनेछु, अवस्य |  विस्तारै | "

उनि रोकिन्नन अब, तर उनको र मेरो विचको दुरी घट्दैन, बरु झन् झन् बढ्दै जान्छ, सायद उनि पछाडी फर्किएकी छिन्, कि सायद म टाढा, थहाछैन |


अनि एक्कासी म ब्युँझंछु, "धन्न, ओहो ! कस्तो सपना |" केहि बेर चुक अन्धकारमा टोलाएपछि, फेरि त्यो तोरीबारीको माया लागेर आउँछ, अनि आँखा चिम्म गर्छु फेरि त्यहीं पुग्न | पहेंलो गलैंचा झैं लाग्ने तोरीबारीमा त म फेरि पुग्छु, अनि त्यहि बनिरहेको चिटिक्कको घर छेउ पनि, तर उनि कतै छैनन् | अनि बल्ल पो थहा पाउँछु, उनि विनाको तोरीबारी कति उजाडलाग्दो र नरमाइलो अनि स्वन्दर्यहिन |


सायद, फेरि ब्युँझेकै राम्रो |


Gopal Trital
14 Dec'13

म ब्युझनु भन्दा ठिक अघि

म ब्युझनु भन्दा ठिक अघि

 

म ब्युझनु भन्दा ठिक अघि
उनले मलाई सोधिन
"सपना पारीको को यो अर्ध-सत्य राम्रो
कि सपना वारी को त्यो पूर्ण बास्तविकता ? "

जवाफ दिनै नपाई म ब्युझेछु,
अब खै कुन चैं लाई सपनामा भनुँ
र कुन चैं लाई विपना
दुवै संसार जिउञ्जेल उति नै वास्तविक छन्
मात्र यति हो,
 संसारका धेरै नियमहरु छन्,
र संसारमा सायद भौतिकताको मात्र जित हुन्छ,
सायद हामीलाई यो असत्य सत्य लाग्छ
तर आखिर, के नै फरक पर्छ र,
चेतनशील मनका यी प्रतिबिम्बहरु पनि
कति सत्य छन्, कसलाई नै थाहा छ र !
र खै कुन चैं लाई सपना भन्ने
र कुन चैं लाई बिपना

यति मात्र बुझ
खोलाको बिचमा, हो किनारमा हैन, मात्र हामी छौँ
मात्र "हामी"
र किनारा-बिहिन यो खोला सत्य-असत्य जे भएनी
मात्र तिमी-र-म को यो समागम सत्य छ
हो मात्र "हामी" सत्य छ
र मात्र त्यहि सत्य राम्रो छ

 

Gopal Trital

27 July'13

 

रुझेकी चरी ..

सायद ज्वरोको सुरमा होला, आज निकै अबेर सम्म सुतिएछ, र जब आँखा खुल्यो आकाश अझै रोइरहेको रहेछ | आज फेरि के पीर परेछ कुन्नि आकाशलाई | विचरा आकाश आफ्नो दुखः भुल्न टोल टोलमा लर्बरिन्दै हिंडेका जंड्याहा जस्तो मात्तिन पनि त सक्दैन, जाओस त कहाँ जाओस |
 
उठ्न मन लागेन | निधार छामे ज्वरो हटिसकेछ, तर जिउ आलस्य नै थियो, त्यसमाथि अझै सुतौं सुतौं लाग्ने मौसम l झ्यालको पर्दा उघारें, अनि मेरो छेउमै टोलाइरहेको मेरो प्रिय cam लाई नियालें | यत्तिकैमा मेरो आँखा पल्लो घरको झ्याल तिर गयो |

आज पल्लो घरकी चरी एक्लै परिछिन, पानीमा निथ्रुक्कै भिजेकी अनि अहिले ओत लागेकी | उसमा र म मा करिब १० मिटरको दुरी थियो तर म उसको मर्म यहीं मेरो भित्रि मनमा महसुस गर्न सक्थें | आज घर बाहिर पानि छेल्न चुपचाप बसेकी त्यो चरी सायद पानीमा भन्दा आँशुमा धेरै भिजेकी थिई, हरेक दिनको कलहलाई आज बिहानी पखको झरीले नसुनिने तुल्याइदिएको थियो, सायद त्यसैले होला म अबेर सम्म सुत्न सकेको, नत्र घाम झुल्किन साथ उनको चित्कारले मलाई ब्यूँझाउने गर्थ्यो |





अकस्मात चरी र मेरो आँखा जुध्यो, उसले मलाई केहि भन्न खोजे जस्तो, अनि म त्यसै टोलाए जस्तो, हाम्रा आँखा एक आपसमा अल्झिए | ति चरी र म एक आपसको बास्तबिकताबाट पूर्णत अपरिचित तर उसले केहि भने जस्तो लाग्यो "तिमि कति भाग्यमानी, तिमिले त यो पानीमा भिज्नुपर्या पनी छैन, अनि ओत लाग्ने आफ्नै कोठा, न्यानो ओछ्यान अनि कसै संग निर्भर नभईरहनुपर्ने कस्तो आनन्दको जीवन | "

हो उसको मन को त्यो भाव, उसको आँखा बाट देखिएको त्यो संसारमा यसो हेर्दा, म चैं चरा अनि उनि चैं पिंजडामा कैद निर्जीव शालिक देखिनु स्वाभाविक हो र त्यत्तिनै स्वाभाविक हो मेरो आँखाले देखाउने यो संसार त्यो संसार जस्तै नहुनु  | तर आज उसको रुझेको आँखामा सायद मेरो आफ्नै बास्तबिकता पनी लुकेको छ, सायद उसको आँखा रुझेकै छैन, मेरो आँखा पो रुझ्या हो कि ?

 

 

बिहानीको चिया ओछ्यान मै आइपुग्यो, पानि अझ बेस्सरी दन्किन थाल्यो, तर उसलाई देखिन...सायद उडिसकिछे | "जान्छु पनि भनिन, कति निस्ठुरी रैछ" म मनमनै बर्बराउन थालें l तर मलाई आश्चर्य चैं भएन |बानि परिसकेको छ, उनि भन्दा पनी धेरै नजिक भएकी अर्की चरी अस्ति त्यसै गरि टाढा भैसकेकीछिन्, त्यसैले यो कुनै नौलो कुरा भने हैन |  तर, यस्तो ठुलो झरीमा कता गईन् होली ?

एक छिन् पछि उसको चित्कार सुनिन्छ "म उड्न चाहन्छु मात्र उड्न "

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You are not alone, My Son"

03 August '13

Malekhu

On my way to Manakamana; somewhere at Malekhu, our bus stopped for a small break. While almost all my fellow passengers were busy ordering food for themselves, my eyes were searching for something that I always search for when I hold my cam - human emotions.

And, there was this family, of strangers, playing with their cute little child. So, I got that thing, something that my cam wants to click.... something that my lens is quite accustomed to, to translate human emotions into pictures.

Father - Child relationship.

Oh, father-child relationship is something that can't be described in words, and how special is that feeling of being cared by a father, that secured feeling of holding his guiding fngers, that unconditional bond, and that precious pat on your shoulder and his divine voice "You are not alone, My Son. "

It's unfortunate though, that my own relationship with my father was soured by the passage of time, and now, only a fringe glimpses of long-lost past memories do visit me sometimes, which I quickly choose to hide deep inside a treasure box held safely in an unexplored layers of my heart.

Now, I can't change my past; I no longer wish to judge who was wrong and why he chose to change his direction into an anonymous land of uncertainty where I could never step in, and why he could never step back.

Now, all I can do is try and be a good man, be someone who can then be a good father, and someone who would not choose to step into an anonymous land of uncertainty leaving behind his little child in hopes and tears.

Yes, someday, I WILL be a good father, to share a life-long bond of father-child and I promise I would never be away from my child, which would probably then help me recover from my past - something that still haunts me at times, that I still wish to have him beside me to give a soft pat on my shoulder - "You are not Alone, my Son".